Poems taken down for working on. Many thanks for the comments.
I like some of the details in the second poem/version (e.g. the sky ‘mixed and busy’) but overall the first feels less forced and more engaging. Considering the subject matter (‘simply in the now’) I think the less forced the better. Plus I like sonnets.But hey, what do I know?
This goes to show how differently poems are read – I much prefer the second and find it less forced and much more engaging than the first, completely the opposite of Rachel! Down to taste I guess – the first one’s more of a straight-talking style and the second is lead very much by internal sonics, to my ear anyway.
I like both, but lean towards the first. Again, the conversational style gets me.
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